Cold Shoulder

I've been an awful person lately -the worst possible version of myself. Turns out, my old psychiatrist put me on the wrong medicine. I don't have anxiety, I have a mood disorder which does not require Lexipro. So for almost a year I've been swallowing a pill every night that has not only NOT been helping me, but also has increased my appetite and slowed my metabolism. I'd stop taking it but my body will go through withdraw. My new psychiatrist is on vacation until march 4th. I've already lasted a year so I can wait a bit longer.


So many people in my life deserve apologies for me being an awful/absent/selfish friend lately.


I had rehearsal last night for Imaginarium (the children's show that travels to schools in North Philly over spring break). I got there early to eat my dinner and saw that there were auditions being held for something. My friend (and easily sweetest human in the world) Nathan, asked, "Kate, are you auditioning for the summer stock Missouri program?" I hadn't even heard of the program , plus I have an internship in NYC so I wouldn't be able to anyhow. I told him that, and then this Boy who embodies absolutely everything I hate about Musical Theater majors says "yeah well you need a prepared song for the audition anyway." So, hating a condescending tone and loving any chance to piss off a snob I said "Well, I could always just audition for the hell of it." and Boy says "You need sheet music. You don't have sheet music. What would you even sing?" and simply to get a reaction I said " Happy Birthday." tat answer is like nails on a chalk board to any musically inclined person. "I think they know how to play that without sheet music. Brb!" and I auditioned. The guy really liked me and talked to me for about 10 minutes. Apparently people don't just do impromptu auditions for this place and he said he was pleasantly surprised by me. I just smiled at R.J.


The "snow" cancelled two of my classes today and my third class was cancelled for other reasons. So, I'm sitting in my freshly cleaned living room next to my sleeping cat. The shades are open and the lights are off which feels perfect. I know in my last update I complained about being lonely, but I think I was confused. There's a huge difference between lonely and lost but the two often get blurred. I felt lonely because I knew something was wrong, had been wrong, with me for a while. I haven't been myself lately - the person I want to be. So, I blamed it on something easy and shallow. I don't miss having someone, I miss having control over my moods or at least with how I choose to handle them. My family and friends are perfect though. They know something's off and have more patience with me right now than I deserve.


I want it to be warm. I want my brain to be balanced. I want to wear sundresses and drink iced tea in class. And I want to the days to be longer. And I want everyone I love to be in one place for a bit so I can say sorry and hug everyone and tell them I'm trying really hard to get back to being myself.

Last Update Continued...

I'm lonely and I don't know how else to say it.


Both of my roommates have boyfriends who are always over. Almost all of my friends have boyfriends or girlfriends. And I'm lonely but don't let guys get close to me. Or anyone really. The only thing I keep close enough to comfort me is my acting/ comedy. Everyone disappoints me, which I suppose is my fault for having such high expectations. Or, maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.

Lonely

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! "

-The Holiday